Four Ways to be Easily Conquered (Pt. 5)

4 | Be Isolated

(Four Ways to Be Easily Conquered, Pt. 5)

Strength in Numbers

Interesting fact: termites cannot digest wood. Instead, they rely on millions of microscopic organisms of over 100 different species living in their stomachs to digest the cellulose in the wood for them.

MEET THE PEEPS: Just some of the “friends” termites rely on to live.

Termites require community to survive. A termite without its comrades starves to death, no matter how much wood it consumes.

This is not only true for termites. Humans, too, thrive in community and starve in isolation. While this may look different for different people (e.g. introverts suffocate on too much community but still need a network–albeit smaller, more selective network than extroverts–of deep, meaningful relationships), even a strong person, if isolated, is vulnerable and easily defeated.

This is evident in many areas of life.

Want to lose weight? A diet and workout plan coupled with determination can still be easily defeated in time. However, procrastination and compromise are less likely when the plan is done with a trainer, a partner or a group.

Likewise, addicts who participate in support or recovery groups have greater success of overcoming their addictions than those who attempt to fight alone.

Within helpful communities (specifically those whose members are intentional about contributing to each other’s well-being and success), a person finds strength, support, encouragement, counsel, accountability, and even very practical help (e.g. financial, physical, etc.).

Unfortunately, many are intentionally or unintentionally becoming isolated from these vital communities.

The Exodus from Church

The following info is from: Tyson, Jon. Sacred Roots: Why the Church still matters, part of Barna Group’s “Frames” series. (Zondervan), 2013; particularly pages 22-27.

It seems fewer and fewer Christians recognize the Church as God’s solution to our need for community. Research from a Barna Group study in 2013 exposed some disturbing trends.

More than one-half of American Millennials (born between 1981 and 2000; 15-34 year olds) and Gen-Xers (born between 1965 and 1980; 33-50 year olds) have not attended church or a church-related function in the last six months.

In fact, only 2 out of 10 Millennials believe church attendance is important. Of those who do go, only 1 out of 10 says they go because they believe the Bible says to gather with other believers.

Oddly, when asked what factors help Americans grow in their faith, church was not even named among the top 10 factors.

Compare these numbers to older generations–for instance, 40% of the Mature/Silent Generation (born 1927-1945; over 70) rating church as “very important”–and the decline is obvious. The practice of believers consistently gathering as a meaningful community is in jeopardy.

Some churches have responded by making their worship, sermons and resources available online. This addresses people’s need for solid biblical teaching but cannot forge human interaction. People have the need for both the content and the community of the Church, and options other than gathering with believers may satisfy the former but cannot satisfy the latter.

The result is much like a termite who eats plenty of wood but has no companions to help it digest.

The Reason to Bother

What’s the big deal? Is it really so bad to be withdrawn from consistent participation in a community?

Ask the antelope who is not careful to stay within the safety of the herd.

Ask the inhabitants of Laish.

The Danite scouts observed that the inhabitants “lived a long way from the Sidonians and had no relationships with anyone else” (Judges 18:7). We’ve already seen how their city was prosperous, well-fortified and suspecting no trouble, so why worry about relationships? Why do the extra work to maintain connection with surrounding peoples?

No doubt, relationships take time and effort and can be messy. So why bother?

Because attack and hardship will come eventually, and when it does, having no one to help will practically ensure defeat.

[The Danites] attacked them with the sword and burned down their city. There was no one to rescue them because they lived a long way from Sidon and had no relationship with anyone else” (Judges 18:28).

Gather Your Team

Just as a lion preys on the antelope who gets separated from the herd, so our enemy preys on those who are not connected to a helpful community.

We have already learned from Laish’s defeat about how to be victorious rather than victims.

The best investment in our security is not money, insurance, alarm systems, etc., but an intimate relationship with Jesus.

Keeping in mind that hardship is imminent, we must remain vigilant, disciplined and dressed in the full armor of God.

We must train ourselves not to rely on any luxury for contentment, most effectively by voluntarily denying ourselves what we crave most through the discipline of fasting.

And finally, we must cultivate “a herd,” a network of companions committed to each other’s well-being who will fight for one another, celebrate victory together, provide for each other, encourage, support and counsel each other.

This commercial perfectly depicts God’s design for how a community of comrades can literally mean the difference between defeat and victory.

[2013 Hyundai Santa Fe Big Game Ad: Team (Extended)]

Do you have a team, a herd, a community of people who have your back?

Parents, do your kids have that? Have you helped them develop, not just acquaintances or friends, but a community of peers and adults purposefully invested in their success?

If not, a great place to start is to find a local church with children and youth ministries, family/adult small groups and recovery groups. If you live in Lewisville, Flower Mound, Highland Village or any of the surrounding areas, Garden Ridge church of Christ would love to be that community for you and your family. Find out more at http://www.gardenridge.org. (Explore the “Ministries” menu for various groups to fit your needs.)

Tell Your Story

We would LOVE to hear what your helpful community means to you and how they’ve come through when you needed them. Please add a comment to share your story with us.

Four Ways to be Easily Conquered (Pt. 4)

3 | Lack Nothing

(Four Ways to Be Easily Conquered, Pt. 4)

Prosperity seems to be an advantage, but in fact, it may be the very thing that keeps us unprepared for attack.

Disproportionately Blessed

It certainly made Laish unprepared for the Danite assault. We are told twice that Laish lacked nothing and was prosperous (Judges 18:7, 10), no surprise because of its ideal location.

The city was situated perfectly at the foot of Mt. Lebanon and the Hermon mountains, whose melting snow provided the majority of the water for the Jordan River. This made Laish uniquely lush and fertile in an otherwise arid region.

Also, they had apparently faced little or no mistreatment since another way to translate the Hebrew phrase for “lacked nothing,” is, “no oppressive authorities taxing them.”

No doubt, this city–like many people–seemed disproportionately blessed.

The Misfortune of the Fortunate

How could such prosperity be a bad thing? I can think of two reasons.

1 | Wealth becomes a target on the wealthy person’s back.

People who are perceived to be more privileged evoke the envy of others who feel unfairly deprived, making them targets of hostility or theft.
Wealth may have the advantage of providing for greater safety measures–high-tech home and car security systems, insurance on expensive possessions, living in gated communities, etc.–but a disadvantage of wealth is that it makes such measures necessary.

Proverbs 13:8, says, “The ransom of a man’s life is his wealth, but the poor hears no rebuke” (NASB).

The Amplified Bible expounds,

“A rich man can buy his way out of threatened death by paying a ransom, but the poor man does not even have to listen to threats [from the envious].”

Whether wanted or not, prosperity naturally calls attention to a person, making them the object of admiration to some and a more compelling target to others.

Including spiritual foes. If Job was singled out by Satan because he was so fortunate and untouched by hardship, we too may expect to be harassed for our good fortune.

2 | A person who lacks nothing becomes dependent on having everything.

The longer we live in prosperity, the more it becomes our norm. Before long, having everything feels so normal that it feels necessary.

When something is taken away, we panic at the thought of living without it, even if it is something many people easily live without. Maybe even something we ourselves were previously content living without.

This is true for me and cell phones.

I did’t have a cell phone until I was a junior in college, and I didn’t have a smartphone until four years ago (2011). Before that, I lived actively and even did youth ministry without a phone with internet, GPS, texting, camera, cloud storage, etc.

Now I shudder to think of having even one of those functions taken away, much less trying to live without any cell phone at all.

The more we have, the more we require to “survive” and the greater our shock when we are forced to go without.

Boot Camp

Misfortune can be good for us, then…so good, in fact, that we should intentionally inflict hardship on ourselves if we hope to overcome difficult challenges that will inevitably befall us.

Our success in battle depends on how we train in boot camp.

In boot camp, if soldiers “lacked nothing,” it would be quite a shock to them in combat when they have to live on very little and they’re under attack.

Training conditions should mimic actual battle conditions so there is familiarity, not shock, when suddenly forced into the discomfort, deprivation and danger of battle!

Soldiers can withstand, even succeed in, the worst battle conditions because they have trained themselves NOT to be dependent on favorable conditions or good treatment to do their jobs.

Maybe the Monks are On to Something

We can do this ourselves with a practice called “fasting.”

Many believe fasting to be an antiquated discipline practiced only by extreme pious nuts in monasteries. It seems outdated and irrelevant for modern disciples, but I believe fasting is needed now more than ever.

If we are not careful, the attitude of entitlement will infect our minds.

It is an epidemic in the American church, if not globally. Many Christians feel entitled to a certain level of comfort, prosperity and protection. When these expectations are not met, when hardship comes, they are easily conquered by discouragement, despair, bitterness toward God, compromise, or maybe even all-out surrender and defection.

Fasting is our way to practice having nothing so we will be prepared for times when we indeed have nothing.

Essentially, fasting is merely voluntarily removing something we have come to depend on for fulfillment other than Jesus.

We can fast from food, of course, or maybe a particular food/type of food (sweets; Starbucks; a “Daniel Fast” of only fruits, nuts, and vegetables; etc.).

Some fast from a certain activity that has, or could, become too important to their happiness.

Couples can agree to fast from sex for a spiritual purpose (I Corinthians 7:5).

Many modern “fasters” have chosen to challenge themselves by abstaining from digital entertainment and/or social media for a time.

A person might even fast from money, determining what income is absolutely mandatory and choosing to give away everything over that for a certain amount of time. This benefits the people, families, churches or organizations they give to and allows the person to practice finding contentment on a tighter budget.

What to fast from is different for each person. To determine what would have the greatest impact for you, evaluate (honestly!) what would be hardest to give up.

Coffee? Netflix? Sex? Facebook? Dating? ESPN? Extra spending money?

Whatever you would be most defensive about giving up if someone suggested it is probably the thing you benefit most to fast from.

I know what it is for me. What is it for you?

Enough Prayer

To paraphrase someone much smarter than me, it is in times when God is all we have that we discover God is all we need.

Do you want that kind of unshakable faith?

Do you want to be able to say, as Paul said, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Philippians 4:12)?

Then rather than praying for prosperity, pray simply for “enough,” and nothing more.

Proverbs 30:8 is the Enough Prayer:

“Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.

Otherwise, I may have too much and disown You and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’

Or I may become poor and steal and so dishonor the name of my God.”

May the Lord use both blessing and hardship to train you so you will be successful under any and every type of combat conditions.

Four Ways to be Easily Conquered (Pt. 3)

2 | Be Unsuspecting

(Four Ways to Be Easily Conquered, Pt. 3)

 

Sleeping in the Enemy’s Lap

How was Samson captured?

Easy. He fell asleep on the lap of the woman who had already tried three times to subdue and overthrow him.

A sleeping person is easy to conquer, even one who is otherwise strong when awake and motivated. All the strength and skill in the world benefit a person nothing if they are asleep and oblivious to the presence of the enemy.

Being unsuspecting is a great way to be defeated.

Demilitarized Zone

The scouts for the tribe of Dan reported excitedly that the city of Laish could be captured despite the impressive walls. A reason this fortified city was so vulnerable is noted in their description: “When you get there, you will find an unsuspecting people” (Judges 18:10).

Sounds like many people, including many Christians. We may have, at one time, been very intentional about our defense and preparedness, but we have now become, for all intents and purposes, demilitarized.

No more training.

No more watchmen vigilantly scanning for potential threats.

No more self-discipline to stay in shape for action.

Prayer, which was once an urgent survival mechanism, has become an optional “To Do” item.

The sword of the Word of God has rusted from lack of use.

And rather than carefully suiting up in the full armor of God first thing in the morning, we casually slip into sweats, dressing for comfort instead of conflict.

And who could blame us? After all, why all the vigilance and preparation if we don’t expect an attack?

The Devil’s Greatest Trick

French poet Charles Baudelaire said, “The finest trick of the devil is to persuade you that he does not exist.”

And he is very persuasive!

There’s a reason for the popular saying, “Ignorance is bliss.” We deeply want to believe we are safe and secure, and many would rather be oblivious than to acknowledge the reality of an enemy whose sole purpose is to steal, kill and destroy.

In Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, British novelist J.K. Rowling gives us a vivid embodiment of blissful ignorance in the character of Professor Umbridge. See the short video below.

(You can watch the full 2:42, or skip ahead to :50.)

Umbridge, teaching the Defense Against the Dark Arts class, announces that a theoretical knowledge of defensive spells rather than experience and practice will be sufficient for the students. The students object, arguing that only experience, not theory, will prepare them for attacks. Umbridge scoffs and naively assures them there is no real enemy, so they need not prepare so rigorously.

It certainly is more pleasant to believe there is no enemy.

But what we don’t know can still hurt us a great deal. In fact, being unsuspecting makes us all the more vulnerable, Samsons sleeping while the enemy cuts our hair and binds us.

A Call to Arms

So when you have enjoyed peace and favorable conditions long enough…

When your days no longer feel like warfare…

When you have had enough victories to feel strong, almost invincible…

When you have ample resources and safeguards in place to give you peace of mind…

When you are finally enjoying prosperity and security…

… BE CAREFUL!

These are the type of conditions that put Laish to sleep, and they are exactly the types of things that make Christians lose their vigilance and, therefore, lose their battles.

If you want to continue being easily conquered, remain unsuspecting and at peace.

But if you want to be unconquerable, remain watchful, disciplined and vigilant, especially when there seems no reason to be.

“If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you do not fall” (I Corinthians 10:12).

Keep your guard up, and you will never be caught off-guard.

 

 

Four Ways to be Easily Conquered (Pt. 2)

1 | Be Safe and Secure

(Four Ways to Be Easily Conquered, Pt. 2)

The Key to Crossing a Frozen Pond

Two hikers want to explore the woods on the other side of a frozen lake.

One is hesitant to cross the lake, skeptical that the ice will hold their weight. The other is bold and confident they can make it.

Who will make it to the woods on the other side of the lake?

That all depends…on the strength of the ice.

Success and security are not based upon the size and strength of one’s faith but upon the size and strength of the object of one’s faith.

We are only as successful and secure as what we rely on for success and security.

A person with only a little faith in thick ice is more secure than the person with great confidence in thin ice.

Likewise, even small, struggling faith in an enormous God can uproot mountains and sustain us in impossible situations, while bold, wholehearted confidence in anything less, no matter how worthy it seems, cannot ensure our well-being.

Sidonian Safety

The Danite scouts looking for a city to conquer described Laish as “living in safety, like the Sidonians, at peace and secure” (Judges 18:7).

This may seem like a deterrent, but in fact, their Sidonian safety and security actually made them more vulnerable.

Safety and security are, by no means, inherently negative, but, like many of us, Laish’s confidence was in the wrong safeguard.

Their defenses were modeled after Sidon. Sidon was a well-fortified city because it was wealthy. Archaeological findings show that Laish had similar defensive measures: enormous earthen embankments that served as massive walls, gate courtyards, etc.

Hence their peace of mind.

In _____ We Trust

They are not the only ones to put their faith in such safeguards.

Israel asked for a king, feeling more secure following a man into battle than an invisible God (I Samuel 8:19-20).

Leah trusted pregnancies to fix her marriage (Genesis 29:32, 34; 30:20).

Asa refused to seek the Lord’s help with his severe foot disease, instead trusting only his physicians (II Chronicles 16:12).

David observed that many trust in the military power of horses and chariots for their safety (Psalm 20:7).

Proverbs notes that the wealthy imagine their money to be an unscalable wall (Proverbs 18:11).

Proverbs also observes that many trust their own wisdom and ingenuity, that they feel safest doing whatever seems right to them (Proverbs 14:12).

And the trend continues today.

“Everything will be better if we can just get the right politicians in office.”

“This relationship will fix my problems.”

“If I can only get into that hospital, be treated by that doctor, or get that treatment, I could be cured.”

“Our military is keeping this country safe.”

“This is a safe place to live because it has the top police department in our region.”

“I feel safer since I started carrying a firearm.”

“Getting into that college is the key to my successful career.”

“I know my future is secure because I’ve got a solid 401K.”

“I don’t worry much because I can always find a way to work things out for the best.”

For our well-being, we might pray…but we are definitely going to buckle up, lock our cars, get home alarm systems, and demand top-notch police, fire and medical services.

Then we have peace of mind that we are secure.

Indeed, we may be more Sidonian than we think.

Scalable Walls

There is nothing wrong with these safety measures, but they do not make us secure! To place our trust in them implicitly only makes us more easily conquerable.

What happens to our security when:

… jobs we trusted in are lost?

… our bank accounts dry up?

… people we rely on let us down?

… our own wisdom and ingenuity prove to be wrong, often with serious consequences?

… doctors and treatments turn out to be ineffective?

… disasters strike that cannot be fixed by money, people, our own effort, etc.?

Laish had peace of mind because of their walls, but these walls were eventually scaled by the Danites, and the city fell.

We, too, can be at peace behind the highest walls of finances and resources and safety measures, and yet be totally vulnerable.

The good news is, this means we can stop frantically building these high walls and instead focus on a single thing for our security.

The Strong Tower

Proverbs 18:11, states that wealthy people only imagine their riches to be an unscalable wall. The verse just before it describes a truly unscalable, impenetrable wall:

The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run to it and are saved (Proverbs 18:10).

The Lord does not fail.

To cultivate a relationship with Him is the greatest investment we can make in our success and security.

One missionary explained, “Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus.” (And this is a woman in a country where 60 missionaries are killed every year!)

Better to be in the direst circumstances with only Jesus to hold onto than abundantly wealthy in the safest house in the safest city with incredible insurance and access to the best doctors but no relationship with Christ.

Remember, you are only as successful and secure as what you rely on for success and security.

So the first question to ask yourself to find out how conquerable you are is, “What/whom am I relying on for security?”

---

To encourage you to make Christ your one hope of security, read these lyrics from Edward Mote (1797-1874), and then watch the video of Hillsong’s rendition of it, titled “Cornerstone.”

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

Four Ways to be Easily Conquered (Pt. 1)

Some days, I’m the hammer. Some days, I’m the nail.

Some days, I’m an indomitable force of conviction, courage and self-discipline. Other days, it seems even the slightest pressure can pound me into submission.

Whether it’s diet, spending, spiritual disciplines, self-improvement, overcoming unwanted habits or maintaining new resolutions, sometimes I am impressively victorious…and sometimes I am too easily conquered.

WHEN GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH

I’m not alone in this. Anyone can recognize areas where they are particularly vulnerable to fail.

You may be unfazed by many temptations, but when confronted with a certain one or two, you consistently feel powerless to resist.

You may maintain a responsible budget, except when it comes to this one indulgence.

You may function well in most situations, but around this person or in that type of environment, not so much.

You may have resolved to establish a more consistent routine of prayer, Bible reading, participation in a church family, etc., but months, weeks or maybe even days into it, these are again neglected.

Why?! If we have genuine intentions to do what is best and to be the best version of ourselves, why aren’t our desires and intentions enough?

If we truly want victory so badly, why are we still so easily defeated?

I have come to recognize a pattern, certain dynamics that contribute to me being either victorious or defeated.

As a minister, I see the same pattern of dynamics in those to whom I minister.

In fact, these dynamics even explain how an entire city was overthrown by a handful of losers.

A CITY DESTINED TO FALL

After Joshua, the leader of the Israelites, died, it was up to the tribes to claim their territories. All the tribes were successful (to varying degrees)…except Dan.

While other tribes conquered and confined their enemies, the Amorites confined the Danites to the hills (Judges 1:34).

By Judges 18, they still had not found a territory they could conquer, and they were desperate.

Until they found Laish.

Finally, a city they–even the Danites–could conquer.

The question is, what was so WRONG with Laish that made them so RIGHT as a target?

It’s an important question because the same things that made Laish conquerable are the same things that make us so easily defeated.

Judges 18:

⁷ [The five scouts] came to Laish, where they saw that the people were living in safety, like the Sidonians, at peace and secure. And since their land lacked nothing, they were prosperous. Also, they lived a long way from the Sidonians and had no relationship with anyone else.

⁸ When they returned to Zorah and Eshtaol, their fellow Danites asked them, “How did you find things?”

⁹ They answered, “Come on, let’s attack them! We have seen the land, and it is very good. Aren’t you going to do something? Don’t hesitate to go there and take it over. ¹⁰ When you get there, you will find an unsuspecting people and a spacious land that God has put into your hands, a land that lacks nothing whatsoever.”

¹¹ Then six hundred men of the Danites, armed for battle, set out from Zorah and Eshtaol.

…

²⁷ Then they…went on to Laish, against a people at peace and secure. They attacked them with the sword and burned down their city. ²⁸ There was no one to rescue them because they lived a long way from Sidon and had no relationship with anyone else.

FOUR WAYS TO BE EASILY CONQUERED

From this, we see four dynamics that led to Laish’s defeat, the same ones that contribute to our own:

To be easily conquered:

1  |  Be safe and secure.

2  |  Be unsuspecting.

3  |  Lack nothing.

4  |  Be isolated.

If the Danite scouts were ecstatic to find these qualities in Laish, we can be sure our enemy, too, is seeking these same qualities in us.

It may be difficult at first to see how some of these could work against our welfare, so over the next several posts (Thursday, Monday, Thursday, Monday), we will unpack how each of these contributes to our victory or failure.

Begin praying now for God to help you see any of these, or other factors, that make you vulnerable.

Part 2: “Be Safe and Secure” coming soon!

How Far is Too Far…for Turtles?

---

All of us tend to wonder, “How close can I get to sin and still be innocent?”

---

How Far is Too Far?

Many teens and young adults, wanting to maintain purity in their dating years, ask the question: “How far is too far?”

This is not only a teen and young adult question, nor is it specific strictly to dating. Every person is faced with the decision where to draw the line between sinful and safe.

• How much physical affection can we enjoy without sinning sexually?
• If drunkenness is a sin, how much can I drink without being technically drunk?
• How vocal can I be with my judgmental opinions without being guilty of gossip?
• How flirty can I be without being unfaithful to my spouse?
• How openly angry can I get without “losing my temper?”
• How low a priority can I make spiritual practices while still maintaining the façade of an active relationship with Jesus?

For some, the question is conscious, for others, unconscious, but all of us tend to wonder,“How close can I get to sin and still be innocent?”

Turtles at the Surface

About this, we may draw some valuable insight from sea turtles.

Scientists studying the ecosystem of Shark Bay, off the west coast of Australia, were puzzled to observe that five times as many Loggerhead sea turtles are killed by tiger sharks than their cousins, the Green sea turtles. Seeing no obvious reasons, they studied further and discovered it has to do with their breathing habits.

Greens spend relatively little time at the surface, pushing their faces out of the water long enough for only a single breath before retreating once again toward the sea floor, while Loggerheads routinely spend two or three minutes at a time at the surface with their faces above water.

Tiger sharks rely on the element of surprise, stalking and attacking almost exclusively from below their prey, making the Loggerheads lingering at the surface more vulnerable to the stealthy predator.

For sea turtles, even an instant at the surface exposes them to mortal danger, but every second longer only multiplies the risk exponentially.

Thus, it would be foolish for a turtle to ask, “How long is too long at the surface?”

The more discerning turtle—and incidentally, the one that will likely live longest—asks instead, “How can I stay close to the bottom for as long as possible?”

A New Direction

It is no less foolish for us to inch dangerously close to the line of sin, hoping to stop just short of trespassing.

In fact, “How far is too far?” is not even a biblical question! Rather than speak of righteousness as a line or a position, scripture instead speaks of it as a direction

“Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God, and He will come near to you” (James 4:7-8).

The wise disciple moves constantly away from areas where he or she is vulnerable and exposed to Satan’s attacks and constantly deeper into intimacy with God.

Righteousness is not a position, but a direction. Thus, the question we should be asking is not, “Is this action across the line?” but rather, “Does this action take me closer to the predator or closer to God?”

If we’re looking for the line we shouldn’t cross, perhaps we’re looking the wrong direction. Why not make it our goal to see just how far we can go in our intimacy with God instead?

Let’s Hear from You

I’d love to hear your wisdom on this.

Reply and tell me: If you had a child or a friend who sought your advice about how far was too far in a certain area, how would you respond?